Why Do We Hurt Those We Love Most and How To Stop This
Posted: Sunday, February 26, 2006
by Ineke
Enthusiasm
You love each other but can’t manage to communicate without arguing, fighting and ending up exhausted, each one in his corner, trying to lick his wounds and thinking of how to protect one self against a new attack. And in spite of that…you love each other? How is this possible? Why do people hurt most those they love?
How come we can’t express our love? How come we are full of good intentions but when it comes to reality we find ourselves again shouting and blaming the other one. And then that monster of guilt jumps out of nowhere to our throat to strangle us once again.
First let me explain why this happens.
We all need energy. We need energy to live and to survive. Energy comes in many forms : love, attention, interest, food, friendship, money, approval, recognition…
We all need this to feel good, to build our personality and to find our place in society.
But here it is : as long as we think this energy has to come from other human beings, we will get caught up in struggle. Because human energy is limited. We have to fight for it. Human energy doesn’t last. There isn’t enough of it. So we have to be the quickest, the smartest, the most beautiful one, to attract the attention from the other and to pull his energy.
If this doesn’t work, we try another strategy. We try to pull attention by negative behavior. Every child learns this very quickly in his early life : when he is playing quietly on the floor with his toys, mum goes on cooking dinner or talking with daddy. But as soon as the kid hurts his little sister or is playing “sick", mums hurries to give attention to him. She shouts maybe, she’s angry or worried, but no matter, all this is attention for the child! He learns very quickly which behavior gives him the greatest amount of attention and energy. When his mother or father looks at him, even angry, it still is energy coming his way! When they shout at him, they give him energy. Negative energy, alright, but it is better than no energy at all.
When we grow up, and start to date, we discover a very interesting phenomenon : when we fall in love, we receive a lot of energy (read : attention, interest, time, love etc.) for free. The other person gives us freely and abundantly a whole bunch of energy. We don’t even have to ask for it, we don’t need to apply any strategy to pick this energy, it’s all for free! We let go of our mechanism to pull the energy of others towards us. We loosen up. We “fall" in love. We almost literally fly. We are high! Everything seems to have more colour, is more vivid, we feel lighter, life seems easy, everything goes by itself, we have the feeling we love everybody and everything, even our grunchy boss! Nothing can hurt us, we feel safe and boosted with energy. But this is his or her energy! We are flying on someone else’s energy, and human energy is limited!
And that is exactly the problem! This stream of free energy begins to slow down, because the other one goes back to his business and activities he had before. Why? The body is not able to handle this amount of adrenaline for a long period of time, they say… but the real reason is we need to learn to pull our energy from somewhere else, not from a human being but from the source of energy itself.
So our lover gives us less free energy than before. We were used to this energy-flow and now we have to do it again by ourselves! Free energy is so much easier! We don’t have to do any effort to get it! And now we are getting less of this free energy, we don’t want to let this happen. At this moment our old childhood-system of capturing energy is triggered because of the scarcity of energy (there is an alarm inside us that says : “Danger! Lack of energy!") and the old mechanism to capture energy from others starts running in our head and in our behavior. The mechanism that worked when we were a child to get the energy of our parents, will be triggered by the lack of energy now. We do what we did as a child to get energy flowing our way.
We can do this by playing the victim (“Oh poor me, look at all that I do and nobody is grateful! Look how good I am and still life strikes me with disapproval, disease and misery! Oh oh oh!"). Or we get attention by being aggressive, shouting and trying to dominate the other one. A third mechanism is harassing the other one by asking too many questions and controlling him. A fourth system is playing silence, refusing contact, not to speak and not to react, so the other one will do whatever he can to get in contact with you again and this will give you his energy.
These systems will of course make the energy of the other one flowing your way. But what next? The other one is now low on energy and wants to get his energy back. So now his mechanism is triggered by his lack of energy. He will now use the system that assured him the energy of his parents when he was little, to get his energy back from you. He will either shout at you, either playing the poor one that didn’t deserve your treatment, either torture you with a bunch of questions, or refuse contact.
This explains why we hurt the ones we love. First reason is we want their energy, energy they gave once for free. We hurt our loved onces most because they gave us love and energy and attention for free in the beginning and now we have to do it on our own and we are angry and want get back to them. We think we are entitled to have their energy still for free and start our mechanism to get it. Second reason we hurt them most is because of convenience : they are always around, their energy is available so when we are low on energy we try to rip their energy off, and hurt them by doing that.
Stealing energy from another human being is hurting him.
What can we do about this? We should only be in contact with other people when we are sure to be already filled up with energy, so we won’t steal theirs. When we are full of energy, and conscious of what happens between people, we can give the other one energy instead of ripping him off. We should not meet each other when we are low on energy. It’s the responsibility of each and every person to generate energy by himself and not to depend on other people.
How to do that? By connecting to the energy that is always available. That is the energy of the Universe. The easiest way to connect to this energy is contemplate the beauty of a flower. You also can contemplate the beauty of an object or a person. You can listen to beautiful music, take a walk in nature, meditate, pray, dance, paint, read positive texts, work on your mission on earth, love your cat or dog, anything that gives you energy.
Make a list of every activity and behavior that increases your energy level. As soon as you feel you’re in a conflict with your partner, boss, child, parent or whoever, do something to get yourself together and raise your energy. Don’t say anything until your energy-level is again high enough to be able to send energy to the other one. By sending energy, you are sure not to steal energy from the other one. This is an act of love. If you are not able to get your energy level any higher, go to another place, do something for you and wait until your vibrations are high enough to meet the other one again.
The important thing in a relationship is not to make the other happy or to expect the other one to make you happy, but to make yourself happy and offer this happiness as a free gift to the other!
Loving another human being is giving him energy!
See the difference? Do you want to love your loved ones or steal their energy?
Written by Ineke. Join the enthusiasts on this planet! Discover who you are and learn to say yes to yourself! Find your passion and create your very own success! Go to www.theenthusiasm.com and take part in the absolutely-to-do-once-in-your-life program. Our offer: two free e-courses! Reward: an everlasting enthusiasm!
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More commentsMindblowing!!I got this article at a point where i am almost broke.I hurt my GF without any reason and than feel terrible.Thankyou thankyou thankyou for this article such a simple thing i didnt understand.God Bless You
Hi Ineke, thank you for your message. I really needed it, I will use it and hope it makes me grow to be a better partner. Hugs!
Thank you! It was very helpful, at a time when I need this information. I bookmarked it. :)
when his energy is low, i want to help him and make his energy high.. i cant seem to get myself out of that cycle. it's true what you say about giving energy is love, but according to your article, he's stealing it... i don't know how to resist and when we're not together, my energy is low and i try to search for that energy in someone else but it doesn't last. it seems to be high only when i'm with him. i thought love was all about being with the person that makes you happy. and he uses all 3 defense mechanisms very well. now i see myself reflecting it to my family. i love him and cannot ignore him.. this happens with almost every guy i'm with.It seems you are both dependent on each other's energy. This is not a comfortable situation, because you will always need the other person to get your energy level high. You can get out of this negative circle by focusing on your own activities. Do more things with other people (friends, collegues) and also alone, so you will learn that you can feel good without him too. This makes you less dependent and enables you to give him your positive energy when you come home from your independent activities. Give him energy, attention, love in stead of wanting it from him. Of course, if this person is not able to grow together with you to a higher level of love, you might reconsider your choice.
Love is a battle, because you're always going to end up with scars...Basically love is all about risks, love is all pain, but love is all-good. It's like bungee jumping you just have to hope the cord doesn't break but that's about it. Dr. Clarence Rucker, Jr. PhD FC CCJP ICCS
- It's accepting things for the good of that person even if it hurts you.... Even if you fight it every once and a while...
- Knowing that no matter what happens between the two of you he will always be that special someone you hold in your heart for the rest of your life....
- When it's so hard to explain everything your feeling because the words are all jumbled up inside and the only way to say it is with your eyes....
- It's when you compare every single guy you see to the one you love.... And every couple to the two of you....
- Love is when you know that if you didn't spend the rest of your life with that person you'd be a nobody...that you'd die without them
- It's when you kiss them everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing you can focus on is him, and in that instant you realize that he is the one you're supposed to be kissing for the rest of your life and you want to laugh and cry all at the same time because you feel so lucky yet so scared
- It's when you can say anything to that person and know they won't laugh....
- When you can see their face when you close your eyes, and smell them all the time....
- When you can still feel their arms around you weeks after the last time you were with them....
- When you can still taste their kiss when the thought of them crosses your mind, when you miss them when they haven't even left yet, when their voice lingers in your ears and your so afraid that it might disappear, when his presence eases any and all pain *my all time favorites.
- When his name sends chills down your spine
- When he is the first thing you think of in the morning.... The last thing on your mind at night, And the only thing on your mind in between
- It's when you can look into his eyes and see all his hopes and dreams
- When you're on the phone all night saying absolutely nothing but don't want to hang up because you want to hear him breathe, and when you hear him say "i love you" and know he means it cause of the sincerity of his voice
- When your/his tears not only stain his shirt but his heart
- When the simplest thing can turn into a lasting memory
- When you don't remember how you ever lived with out them
- Thinking of him is like breathing.... Its just one of those things you do. He is your air
- Love is when your family and friends are ready to put you in the looney bin because they have either stopped believing in love, or forgotten what it is like to be in love...
- It's caring for him so much that you think you'll die then multiply that but infinity and then takes it to the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean...
- It's when you would marry that person yesterday...So to say
- It's when you fall in love all over again just thinking about him and remembering all the memories you have made with him. Those memories last forever. You sit there and think about all the times you were side by side...Hand in hand.
- It's when you can feel their presence when you close your eyes.... But when you go to reach for them you feel them slipping away... And then your memory fades away...
Found it an interesting read. Bookmarked it - would definenitly revisit.
You have taught me things about myself I did not know, and for that I thank you.
THANK YOU.
its a good thing I pulled up google and typed 'hurting the ones we love'
I've always thought that I had a serious attitude problem. I fight with my brother all the time, I hated my mom. I repell all my boyfriends. Then I get sick when I've realized what I've done.
Its all clear now. and I honestly think you are right.
Some people may find it funny, energy and all, but come to think of it, it makes sense, everything she said makes sense.Those who have been stuggling with this kind of charecter definitely must read this.
hi,i m not so genius to tell any big words..bt as my point of view u r a goot writer bcoz i feel relax to read this..thanku
I have a female friend whos in a relationship,i listen to her all the time,tells me personal stuff all the time, get on really well,but for some reason she always ends up being mean to me and i dont know why as where just friends
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